April 1 Findings

The manuscripts below are arguably my most important contributions to the science community.  Do you have a topic that I can parody for you?  E.g. tedious lecture materials?  Comedy can help to convey otherwise-burdensome information.

1. Armstrong, E.  An Artificially Intelligent Means to Escape Discreetly from the Departmental Holiday Party; guide for the socially awkward.  http://arxiv.org/abs/2003.14169, 2020 April 1; PDF

2. Armstrong, E.  Forecasting Future Murders of Mr. Boddy by Numerical Weather Prediction. https://arxiv.org/abs/1903.12604, 2019 April 1; PDF

3. Armstrong, E.  Colonel Mustard in the Aviary with the Candlestick: a limit cycle attractor transitions to a stable focus via supercritical Andronov-Hopf bifurcation. https://arxiv.org/abs/1803.11559, 2018 April 1; PDF

4. Armstrong, E. A Neural Networks Approach to Predicting How Things Might Have Turned Out Had I Mustered the Nerve to Ask Barry Cottonfield to the Junior Prom Back in 1997. https://arxiv.org/abs/1703.10449, 2017 April 1; PDF

5. Armstrong, E. Pipe-cleaner Model of Neuronal Network Dynamics. https://arXiv:1603:09723, 2016 April 1; PDF

6. Armstrong, E. Non-detection of the Tooth Fairy at Optical Wavelengthshttps://arxiv.org/abs/1204.0492?context=astro-ph, 2012 April 1; Journal of Irreproducible Results 52, 3: 22-25, 2014; PDF

And here are suggested qualifying exam questions for physics graduate students at UC San Diego, which I wrote while studying for my own.